So here’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough: a well-done breakup can actually be a form of care (for yourself and the other person/people). Most people assume that ending a relationship has to be dramatic, avoidant or mean. But it doesn’t have to be. It really doesn’t.

When I’m working with clients who are thinking about ending something, we’ll sometimes explore the opposite first—what if you stayed? Nearly every time, they realize staying would mean showing up less and less.

Less emotional investment.

Less intimacy.

Less truth.

And eventually, less sex. (Because let’s be real, you’re probably not getting turned on when you’re halfway out the door.)

So what’s the alternative? You share what you are feeling. You try your best to do so in a way that it empathetic but also communicates your needs.

It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, in fact I can promise you it still will. But it also doesn’t make you an asshole.

You’re allowed to feel sad, or guilty or even relieved. Your partner(s) might feel angry or sad or multitude of things. That’s okay. They are allowed (and should be expected) to have feelings of their own too. All of that can coexist with care.

You can say:

“This is hard to talk about.”
“I still care about you.”
“I want to be honest because you matter to me.”

The trick is to try your best remain present with yourself and not to not check out.

And if the conversation gets heated, you’re allowed to set boundaries. If it gets aggressive, make those even firmer.

You can pause.

You can walk away.

You can always circle back…or not.

Take home: Breakups don’t have to be cold. They can be loving. They can be honest. They can even bring peace, if you let them.

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